Is Chivalry Dead? Modern Expectations in Relationships

Is chivalry still relevant in modern relationships?

Chivalry can still matter when it reflects mutual respect, thoughtfulness, and care rather than rigid gender expectations or entitlement. Couples benefit from discussing which gestures feel meaningful instead of assuming one universal rule.

Is Chivalry Dead?

A little while ago, a 22-year-old woman came to me with concerns about the man she was dating. Specifically, the fact that he was not acting in a chivalrous manner on their dates. He didn’t open the door for her, wait for her to go first into the restaurant, pull out her chair, and so on.

On the first date, she brushed it off as being nervous or distracted. But after it happened on the second date, she realized it was just him.

And it bothered her. Enough that she started to have serious questions about whether she could get past it. And that’s when she sought my help.

Before You Address ‘The Problem,’ Look at What’s Not a Problem

One thing I frequently say to people who come to me wanting to deal with a particular relationship issue is to forget about that for a moment and look at the bigger picture.

What are the other things that are working? What are the other things that aren’t?

Because if you’re addressing just one issue and there are a whole host of other potential problems on the horizon, that’s worth looking at. Alternatively, if everything else seems great but there’s just this one thing, that also matters.

In this woman’s case, it really was just the one thing. The man had a laundry list of things she liked:

He was close to her age, 23, where she was 22. His family background was appealing: He and his family had good community and financial status. He had clear educational and career plans with good financial potential: Torah study for a few years, then become employed in his father’s nursing home business. She had great conversations with him; so important! And they had good chemistry; also important!

The reason I like to do this exercise is because it has a way of putting things into perspective and setting the stage. For what? Work.

Doing the Work of Overcoming a Relationship Frustration

It was good that this young woman had come to me to get guidance…but in all honesty, I wasn’t the one she needed to be talking to.

“Have you mentioned your feelings to him?” I asked.

“Of course not,” she said.

Why not? Because she was afraid of seeming needy, demanding, and critical.

A lot of people—especially women—fear expressing their needs to a partner early on. And it’s understandable. We don’t want to put them off. To ruin a relationship that could be great.

But here’s the thing: If you can’t respectfully communicate about an issue like this with your partner, the relationship will never become great. Because that really is the backbone of successful long-term relationships: communication.

And trust me when I say that over the years there will be a lot you need to talk about. It’s better to practice now when the stakes aren’t quite so high.

So that was my task for her: Tell him what she wanted in terms of chivalrous behavior.

“Bring it up the next time he picks you up and you’re about to go to the car,” I said. “Say you like that feminine feeling of having the car door opened for you. That kind of thing means a lot to you.”

Then I told her to note how he reacts. It will answer so much more than whether he’s willing to be a gentleman for you. Will he be receptive to your needs? Will he care about what is meaningful to you? This will matter in the long term, and it really is better to know this now.

She followed that advice. Not only did he respond in kind, but he also explained why he hadn’t been doing those things.

“When I was growing up,” he told her, “I saw men doing those things for women. But I thought it was all just for show. I didn’t think it was important. But now that I know it’s important to you, it’s important to me.”

Then he went a step further. “Tell me other things that are important to you,” he said. “I want to get to know you and make you happy.” And they got into a conversation about what’s important to her without her having to initiate it!

That date he opened the car door for her. Let her in the restaurant first. Held out her chair. It was exactly what she wanted.

This is the way we learn what our partner needs: by communicating. Otherwise, we’re just doing the things we know or what we think the other person wants.

This couple is now married and has several beautiful children together.

The lesson here is that if you’re going to keep seeing someone, start with open and honest communication. You’ll be setting yourself up for long-term happiness.

Frequently Asked Questions

How should couples discuss chivalry?

Ask which actions communicate care to each person and agree on expectations that feel respectful, voluntary, and reciprocal.

How can couples apply this insight?

Begin with one calm conversation and one small, repeatable action. Focus on the shared pattern rather than blaming either spouse.

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