How to Show Love When You Do Not Feel Loved
By Sara Freed · June 6, 2016 
How can you show love when you do not feel loved by your spouse?
Feeling unloved deserves honest attention, but withholding every caring action until your spouse goes first can deepen the cycle. Express the hurt clearly while choosing one value-consistent step toward connection.
“He never tells me he loves me or shows me that he feels that way. Why should I express my love for him?”
This is a common theme among couples, and both men and women do it. I’ve even been guilty of it before! It’s a natural human reaction.
We don’t “feel the love” from our partner, so we start behaving in a cold, uncaring way toward them. It’s a way of lashing out, because we feel hurt by their apparent lack of care for us. It’s a way of “paying them back” or “giving them a taste of their own medicine.”
And at first, it can even make you feel good to act this way. Strong. You’re not going to be a doormat and let your spouse walk all over you – you’ll walk all over them! See if they like it!
But there’s a huge problem with this kind of thinking. When you repay cold and aloof behavior with more cold and aloof behavior, it becomes a vicious cycle. The cycle feeds off of itself and pushes both of you further apart. You both end up hurting, and neither one of you knows what to do.
If only your spouse would just show you a little bit of love, you’d be happy to shower them with affection. But you’re not going to put yourself out there first. No way!
So what should you do? Get over it.
Showing love when you feel like you’re not getting it in return can be terrifying, but it’s really a question of pride. You have to let go of that pride and allow yourself to express the love you feel – even if they don’t return that love right away.
Why? Because it really is worth it. When someone approaches us in a warm, caring, giving, loving way, it encourages us to mirror those feelings and those actions. In other words, by showing your spouse that you love them, you can melt away their coldness and kick their indifference to the curb.
You’ve likely heard the common phrase, “It takes two to tango.” But I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: it really only takes one. By changing your behavior, you can change your spouse’s reaction – and your relationship.
Try it for a few weeks and see what happens. Most of my Monsey relationship coach clients tell me they definitely see a positive difference in their relationship after taking this advice. They’re surprised by the 180-degree change they see in their partner’s behavior as the love they give is reflected back to them. And both spouses are happier.
Will it work for you? Only one way to find out!
Rooting for you,
Sara Freed
Frequently Asked Questions
Does giving first mean ignoring my needs?
No. You can act with care while making specific requests, maintaining boundaries, and evaluating whether the relationship is responsive and safe.
How can readers apply this insight?
Begin with one calm conversation and one small, repeatable action. Focus on clarity, dignity, and the pattern rather than blame.
Keep going, together
Full access to every plan, practice and check-in in the Emotional Marriage Method. Small steps you can actually do, in the middle of a real week.