How to Stop Lashing Out at Your Spouse
By Sara Freed · May 9, 2017 
How can you stop yourself from lashing out at your spouse?
To stop lashing out, notice the physical and emotional warning signs before the reaction takes over. Pause, regulate your body, identify the hurt or fear beneath the anger, and return with a clear statement about what you need.
Your spouse says something that rubs you the wrong way. Or forgets to do the dishes… again.
Your mind starts a downward spiral. Your whole body tenses up. And before you know it… you’ve lashed out at them.
Anger can be a hard thing to control. But it is never helpful. All it does is damage communication between the people involved.
If you want your spouse to recognize a mistake or improve a bad behavior, you need to stop lashing out. It doesn't help. You’re far better off approaching the situation with a clear, calm head.
And I have good news – there’s a simple way to do that.
When you’re confronted by an upsetting or stressful situation, I want you to pay attention to what your body does.
Your breathing will change. You may unintentionally hold it in. Or you may begin to take very shallow breaths.
This impacts your entire body. It will make you feel tense and on edge.
When trying to regain control of your emotions, your mind has to work against the messages being sent by the rest of your body.
So instead, you can “trick” your body into relaxing.
It’s a technique often used in yoga or mindfulness training – but don’t write it off as “new age-y.” It is simply about calming the physical processes that happen after your initial negative reaction. You’re making it easier for your mind and body to work together.
It is a general concept taught to young children who struggle to control their anger and in anger management courses. But you don’t need to have anger “problems” to benefit from it. We all struggle with this very natural human emotion.
Here is how you do it:
Take five long, deep “belly breaths.” Feel your stomach and chest fill all the way up. Hold the air for four to five seconds. Then slowly, very slowly, release it.
Repeat this several times until you feel your body relax.
It may be helpful to tell your partner that you are trying this deep breathing technique. That way, they can give you the time and space you need to collect yourself.
If they are resistant, remind them why you are using it: to be able to approach the problem rationally – and not with anger. Your goal is to allow the conversation to bring you together instead of pulling you apart.
It is also important to be respectful of your partner’s need for time and space. Only once you have both collected yourselves emotionally should you discuss the issue.
If you do, you’re more likely to find success together!
Rooting for you!
Sara Freed
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I lash out at the person I love?
Lashing out is often a protective response to feeling hurt, disrespected, overwhelmed, rejected, or unheard. Understanding the pain beneath the reaction helps you choose a safer response.
What can I do in the moment before I react?
Slow your breathing, unclench your body, and ask for a brief pause. State when you will return so the pause does not feel like abandonment or punishment.
How do I repair after saying something hurtful?
Take responsibility without excuses, name the harm, express regret, and explain what you will do differently next time. Then give your spouse room to respond.
Would you like practical support changing the pattern and strengthening your relationship?
Keep going, together
Full access to every plan, practice and check-in in the Emotional Marriage Method. Small steps you can actually do, in the middle of a real week.