How to Acknowledge Feelings Instead of Avoiding Conflict
By Sara Freed · December 26, 2017 
Why is acknowledging feelings better than walking away from conflict?
Avoiding every difficult feeling may keep the moment quiet while allowing distance and resentment to grow. Naming emotions calmly helps couples understand what the conflict means and decide what needs attention.
Conflict is a natural, normal part of any relationship. Yes, even happy, healthy ones.
This is sometimes hard for people to accept. Many of us grow up believing the myth of “happily ever after.” Two people truly in love, who build a relationship with perfect harmony forevermore with little to no effort.
But the reality is that we’re all human. You and your partner are separate people with different goals, feelings, and ideas. And thank goodness for that, because otherwise, things would get boring fast.
Sometimes, those different goals, feelings, and ideas will lead to conflict. That’s just natural.
In fact, if you and your partner aren’t experiencing any conflict, then it is likely one or both of you has “checked out” of the relationship. This phenomenon is called “stonewalling”. Someone is feeling overwhelmed, so instead of dealing with the issue, they shut down and close themselves off. They withdraw into themselves – and away from the other person.
This is a “flight” reaction to conflict, but many of us engage in the opposite: a “fight” reaction. This is when someone lashes out. Engages in insults or name-calling. Points out the other’s person’s worse behavior. Or otherwise seeks to “hurt” the other person emotionally or “win” the argument.
In effect, it’s another way to walk away from the conflict. You are deflecting from the actual issue. You are not actually dealing with it.
Fortunately, there is a healthier, more productive way to react when you feel hurt by your partner’s words or actions.
Acknowledge Your Feelings
Don’t keep the feelings in and ignore them. Don’t attempt to hurt your partner’s feelings in return. Instead, own how you are feeling.
Running away or lashing out are easy responses. Acknowledging your feelings takes bravery.
If it helps, think of it as fighting with honor. You won’t respond with a sucker punch of a counterattack. You won’t simply walk away.
I challenge you to give it a try. The next time your partner says or does something hurtful:
- Take a moment to breathe.
- Register how you are feeling.
- Collect your thoughts on what was said or done.
- Share what you are feeling: “That really hurt.”
Then let it be. Be silent. Wait. Let the emotions wash over you.
Or walk away and restart the conversation later when that emotional response has subsided, and you are able to have a meaningful dialogue about what happened.
This will allow you to own how you are feeling. You are not denying it. You are letting the other person know. But you also aren’t letting those negative emotions take over the dialogue either.
In the end, this will allow you and your partner to move forward in a more positive way together. All it takes is a little courage.
Rooting for you!
Sara Freed
Frequently Asked Questions
What if I need space before talking?
Ask for a respectful pause and state when you will return. Space supports regulation when it is not used as punishment or permanent avoidance.
How can couples apply this insight?
Begin with one calm conversation and one small, repeatable action. Focus on the shared pattern rather than blaming either spouse.
Keep going, together
Full access to every plan, practice and check-in in the Emotional Marriage Method. Small steps you can actually do, in the middle of a real week.